A Momma's Heart Spilled

Sixty days(ish) until we meet our baby.  I'm not quite sure I really believe we will ever get there, but judging by the size of my tummy and the change of pants I keep in my purse for when I sneeze, its coming up quickly.

And its exciting and scary.  A state of constant change has always been hard for me to live in.  I like to dwell in the safety zones. I like expectations and time limits. I have a to do list for everything and schedules down to the minute.  I thrive on routine and the moment I looked at a pregnancy test and it said "hey! you're growing a human now," was the first foot off the cliff into a new life. 

I feel what I've had to say these last few months has been all about walking into the unknown.  Moments of half panic hit me every once and awhile and it took me awhile to realize why. I've wanted to be a mom and wife since I can remember. It felt right to me and was a strong desire of mine to create a warm and loving home for my family. So why freak out when I'm finally living what I've spent years dreaming of?

Because growing is uncomfortable, y'all.  All of the sudden you're living a life that seemed so far off not too long ago. What if what I've wanted really isn't what I want? What if I'm not good at it? What if there is one hundred obstacles that are too hard for me? I can't plan for everything, but I desperately want to.

There comes a time when you realize all of these thoughts are the children of self-doubt. Will it be hard? Yes. Will I be able to plan for everything? No. Will there be days I'll look back on the past and wish I hadn't lived those days so fast? Definitely. You can't expect perfection, but you can make it a choice to find happiness and peace. And that's what I'm choosing.

This time is a time of growth. Growth for my marriage, a new perspective of myself, different goals, and lots of grace. I won't be a perfect mom or wife, but I'll love really big. It's time to lose the anxiety, to rely on God fully, let go of the to do lists, and replace the what if's with I can's.

What are your mantras as moms? What daily reminders of love do you give yourself? I'd love to hear!