I read this today from Lara Casey's Grace-Filled Goal Setting, " Each season we go through is meant to prepare, teach, or ready us for what's next." I've been treading water when it comes to motherhood. Putting all my effort into staying afloat, 24/7, but never really going anywhere. At least that's what it feels like. Seasons of messiness and waiting are hard for me because I crave control and routine. I like knowing what's going to come next and I like controlling it. To say I feel powerless is an understatement. I feel like I'm trying to grasp for balance, inspiration, intentionality, all while trying to give my daughter the best I can.
And there is this section of my mind that feels guilty about it. Like I should have everything together and the fact that I don't have it all together means that I'm failing. I couldn't have a baby, was able to get pregnant, and now have a beautiful girl. There is plenty to be grateful for, but that doesn't change the season of life I'm in. And it's okay to feel the way I feel, if you feel like this too - it's okay, friend.
I suppose I'm scared of what people will think if I admit that I'm in a season of messy, a season of being humbled daily, a season of taking each day hour by hour because frankly that is all I can mentally and emotionally handle. We voiced our inability to not get pregnant and I don't want people to see me as complaining or ungrateful. Because I'm not. I got the opportunity to carry a baby, and there are so many mothers who long after that. Even though it's been awhile since I have felt that hole, I remember it.
It's okay to have a rough season of life, to know you have a lot to be thankful for, but to still feel the heaviness and growing pains.
Hearing that this season is preparing me for my next season, puts more peace in my heart than I have the words to express. Sometimes times like these feel like they won't really ever have an end. But knowing that what feels like a burden today can grow into an opportunity tomorrow gives me hope to keep moving.
"Sow for yourselves righteousness; reap steadfast love; break up your fallow ground, for it is the time to seek the Lord, that he may come and rain righteousness upon you."
God is good all the time, in every season.